Life’s tough, and most things are beyond our control. That’s exactly why laughter is essential. When you can joke about your own chaos, even the worst days feel a little lighter. So, here’s a hilarious list of funny quotes that’ll turn your mess into a comedy show worth watching!
Funny Quotes About Life
Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.
Bill Murray
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes.
P.J. O'Rourke
My life is a lot like my sock drawer: full of mismatched pairs and a strange smell all the time.
Bought a life insurance policy. Now I'm just waiting for the inevitable to happen so I can finally get my money's worth out of this thing.
My regrets are like a museum exhibit of terrible choices I can't stop going back to visit.
Very Short Funny Quotes
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright
If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.
Judith Martin
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
The only exercise I get is running away from my responsibilities.
Funny Quotes from Films
These people are so posh and snobby, they’re snoshy.
Peik Lin Goh- Crazy Rich Asians
‘You look tired’ means ‘you look old.’ And ‘you look rested’ means ‘you’ve had collagen.
Albert, The Birdcage
If we get any more white people in here this is gonna be a suburb.
Motormouth Maybelle- Hairspray
By all means move at a glacial pace, you know how that thrills me.
Miranda Priestly- The Devil Wears Prada
Love is patient, love is kind, love means slowly losing your mind.
Kevin- 27 Dresses
Greater good? I am your wife! I'm the greatest good you're ever gonna get!
Honey Best- The Incredibles
You're a virgin who can't drive.
Tai- Clueless
It's the weekend, Budnick. I don't know you. You do not exist.
Phil Wenneck- The Hangover (2009)
Funny Love Quotes
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
Will Ferrell
You can't blame gravity for falling in love.
Albert Einstein
Ghosting is the new norm in dating. Apparently, a disappearing act is more polite than a simple "thanks, but no thanks.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Charles M. Schulz
Love is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get, but there's a good chance you'll end up with a sugar rush and a stomachache.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
Dating apps are like a box of exotic fruits at the grocery store. They all look interesting, but you have no idea what any of them taste like and there's a good chance you'll end up with a weird rash.
Funny Inspirational Quotes
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
Dalai Lama
Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.
Will Ferrell
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Miles Kington
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.
Feeling like nobody likes you? Maybe they're just intimidated by your awesomeness. Hey, a little self-delusion never hurt anyone.
Spilled coffee all over yourself this morning? Consider it a free caffeine exfoliation treatment for your skin!
Think you're too short? Remember, diamonds are tiny and incredibly valuable.
Weekends are proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
They say money can't buy happiness, but it can buy pizza, and that's basically the same thing.
Funny Sarcastic Quotes
Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks.
Ricky Gervais
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.
Anthony Jeselnik
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin
Small talk is torture for extroverts too, just a different kind. Imagine having to constantly explain why you're not out saving the world with your boundless energy.
Nosy neighbors are like those annoying pop-up ads you can't close. They monitor your every move, judge your Amazon deliveries, and constantly remind you that you haven't mowed your lawn.
My search history is basically a cry for help: 'How to adult,' 'Why is my plant dying?', 'Is it okay to wear pajamas to the grocery store?
Funny Work Quotes
No man goes before his time unless the boss leaves early.
Groucho Marx
The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.
Oscar Wilde
If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.
Claude McDonald
We have a very "fun" company culture. We even have a foosball table! But nobody uses it because everyone's too busy working late to afford rent.
A free pizza party to celebrate working overtime is like getting a consolation prize after your flight gets cancelled. It's a nice gesture, but it doesn't make up for the fact that you'd rather be anywhere else.
The break room is like a portal to another dimension where conversations turn into gossip faster than you can say 'water cooler.
This meeting could have been an email. But hey, at least we're getting paid to make awkward eye contact!
Flirting at work is like using the microwave to heat up fish. It might seem like a good idea at first, but it leaves a lingering smell that nobody wants to deal with.
My performance review is like a fortune cookie with a side of self-doubt. It tells me I'm "valuable" and "a key asset" but then rates me a 3 out of 5 on creativity.
Working from home: the perfect balance between getting paid in pajamas and questioning your entire existence while staring at the fridge all day.
Traffic jams are like a real-life game of musical chairs, except the only prize is the chance to inch ten feet closer to work and contemplate the meaninglessness of existence.
Funny Family Quotes
If you’re the only child it’s because your parents had you and realized that they don’t like children.
Kanan Gill
Parents are not interested in justice; they’re interested in peace and quiet.
Bill Cosby
If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that "Members, not Present” and "Subjects Discussed" were the same.
Robert Brault
I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.
Ugo Betti
In this family, 'I love you' is implied. Mostly because nobody can hear each other over the arguing.
Family reunions: a delightful reminder that crazy is hereditary.
Sharing is caring, unless it's your sibling's fries. Then all bets are off.
Desi parents on career advice: 'Doctor, Engineer, Lawyer. Choose wisely'. There are no other options.
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